Prevent Learned Helplessness in Your Child and Unlock Life-long Confidence
Author: Shelly Wooldridge, TAG Specialist at Fern Bluff Elementary
A week into my eldest daughter’s Freshman year at Baylor University, I received a call. “This is all your fault!” she wailed. “My clothes are stuck in the washing machine with no soap, and I can’t get them out.” This was my wake-up call that I had probably done too much for my sweet first child, and I became determined I would not do it with the next two. While there was humor in my daughter having to figure out the dorm washing machines, other failures our children face seriously threaten to derail them unless we have conditioned them to persist and persevere long before they load up their car and move to college.
As parents, we are all about helping our children. It feels good when we help them achieve their goal of straight A’s, get that hard-to-get concert ticket or hand in the perfect project. But sometimes those are our wins…not theirs and too often our children realize it themselves. They win when we stand back and cheer them toward their goals–not aggressively coach from the sidelines or grab the ball and run with it ourselves.
I get it–no one wants to see their child fail, but research shows that allowing them to fail helps them to succeed in the long run. Susan Newman, Ph.D., of Psychology Today says, “By not allowing children to falter or experience disappointment, you render them helpless—the precise opposite of what most parents hope to achieve.” We remove our children’s ability to confidently make decisions and rob them of learning how to rebound and move forward when we step in to soften or prevent all the blows.
Dr. Newman includes some helpful insight from Jessica Lahey, author of The Gift of Failure: How the Best Parents Learn to Let Go so Their Children Can Succeed, a New York Times Bestseller. Lahey uses her experience as a parent and the parental interference she witnessed as a teacher to share some advice for rearing strong, successful, and resilient children.
- Failure helps children learn about themselves…and they will recover.
- Be patient and trust in your kids.
- Remember that when we say “Let me do that for you,” we are telling our kids we don’t think they are capable.
- Let kids make mistakes that test their abilities. This is a good thing that will strengthen learning and teach them how to be resilient.
- Remember that intelligence is malleable. The harder kids work to overcome challenges, the smarter they become.
- The children of parents who support autonomy are more competent and resilient in the face of frustration, so give kids space to work through temporary setbacks.
- Kids who pursue their own goals are far more likely to meet those goals and stick with activities for the long haul.
I heard recently from a teacher who had just collected club applications from fourth graders in her school. In this application, there was a place for students to list their preferences for a job within this club and a place to tell the club coordinator why the student wanted to be included. She was blown away by the number of applications completed in an adult’s handwriting and the ever-honest students who said, “I told my mom to finish my application so I could turn it in” or “Mom isn’t done with it yet.”
You may be able to see the issue here–Not only is the parent sending the message to the child, “I can do this better than you,” or “I don’t trust you to do it well,” but I can also already see the child doubting his abilities and relying on his parent to handle it for him. Some psychologists call this “learned helplessness” because the parent steps in and “overfunctions”–or does too much for their kids. Perhaps you’ve heard it called being a “lawn-mower” parent, ready to mow down anything that may cause their child to stumble. This application was a perfect opportunity to allow the child to strike out on his own and make a case for himself being part of this club, and the parent’s role would have been to say, “Great job! They’d be crazy not to include a great kid like you!”
So, as a recovering overfunctioning parent and a teacher who has witnessed way too many perfectly-appointed projects myself, I’d like to offer some simple action items to get you started building confident, resilient kiddos today! Remember, it’s okay to start small!
- After discussing their choices with you, allow your child to order their dinner in a restaurant. Have the child answer follow-up questions asked by the waiter.
- Have your child RSVP to the parties they are invited to. Have them pick up the phone and make a call, or write out an email or text to be sent.
- Resist the temptation to correct your child’s spelling or math work, instead, give them the tools to do it, walk them through it, and then let them do it. Remember: learning is the goal, not the grade of 100.
- If your child has a question about how a paper was graded–or some other concern that needs to be discussed with the teacher, instruct and encourage your child to advocate for themselves respectfully.
- Whatever you do, do not re-do or commandeer a project your child is working on. (I will admit that I still have the beautifully sewn kinkajou “we” made for my oldest daughter’s 2nd-grade rainforest project–circa 2003. Okay–I was really proud of my work.)
- It is time to teach your child to charge their Chromebook and put completed homework, water bottle, and charged Chromebook into their backpack for the next day. If they forget and leave something out, do your dead level best not to call the teacher and tell them it is your fault that your child’s things didn’t make it in their backpack. This one’s hard: Do not run to the school with the missing items. It won’t be too long until nothing gets left out of that backpack!
- Starting around the fifth or sixth grade, teach your child how to access the RRISD Home Access Center or HAC. Teach them how to identify missing or failed assignments and put the child in charge of talking to the teacher about the work.
- By the time your child reaches eighth or ninth grade, you should quit your 24-hour manager (or Mom-ager/Dad-ager) job. Allow your older children to keep their calendars, wake up themselves with an alarm each day (if they aren’t already), and complete all applications (especially those for college).
While failure is an important stepping stone in learning resilience, I would never suggest allowing your child to fail when their physical or emotional health is at risk. Perhaps you are willing to let your child take the lead but feel they struggle with executive functioning skills and aren’t quite ready to take on the responsibility of planning and organizing all aspects of their daily lives. In her presentation, Balancing Brilliance: Nurturing Executive Function and Mental Health in Gifted Kids, Dr. Erika N. Lucas, TAGT webinar speaker says, “The most important thing [is] to be mindful that the expectations we maintain for our kiddos are developmentally appropriate for their neurological development.” If this sounds like something you’d like to hear more about, I highly recommend clicking on the link above to learn more about the strategies to improve your child’s executive functioning.
Just a couple of months ago, my youngest kiddo moved north to another state to attend college. I wasn’t afraid he’d go and make bad choices, fail all of his classes, or get himself into trouble–he’s always been a pretty good kid and partying isn’t his scene. Those things weren’t what kept me up at night those first few days. What plagued my thoughts day and night was the question that I’m sure many other parents had too…Will he thrive on his own?
I am happy to report that I haven’t been called once to rescue him from a washing machine debacle. He’s thriving, confident, rocking his crazy schedule, keeping up with due dates, and loving every minute of college life. Is he doing everything exactly the way I would? Not at all, and when I regress from my vow not to overfunction and offer too much advice, he reminds me (with maybe a little bit of irritation) that he’s “got this.” I’m not saying that handing over the reins of running his/her life to your child is going to be easy, but remember, if we do our parenting job right…our kiddos will leave us one day confident, well-adjusted, and ready to take on any challenges that life may throw their way.
Sources:
Newman, Susan Ph.D. “How Allowing Children to Fail Helps Them Succeed.” Psychology Today, 11 Aug. 2015, psychologytoday.com.
Pincus, Debbie MS LMCH. “Learned Helplessness: Are You Doing Too Much for Your Child?” Empowering Parents, empoweringparents.com.
Lucas, Erika N. Ph.D. “Balancing Brilliance: Nurturing Executive Function & Mental Health in Gifted Kids.” Texas Association for the Gifted & Talented, 18 Sept. 2024, tempo.texasgifted.com.